But in my mind there is hardly the Christmas spirit. I do not feel moved by the birth of Christ, the Savior Son, seperated as we were at birth by several thousand years. Even Santa whom I love for his white beard, big belly, and ‘ho! ho! ho!’ the spitting image of God, seems like a figment of my imagination. Ian has left me an invitation, anyway. A chance to go to Christmas Mass, sing in praise of everything I cannot put real words to and oh! I love it so! I love him, I really do, but I wish. As I started browsing my Facebook feed, I could hear the ball dropping into the liquid of Sarah's cup again. People around me went crazy, cheering for Sarah and chanting her name, while I was watching at old photos of us on my phone. At the time I looked up from my phone again, she was already on her knees in front of him. I could only see the back of her head, her long braid almost reaching to the ground. One of his big hands was grabbing her head tightly to push her beautiful face onto his. Raw beauty allowed me to achieve so much I began to feel I didn’t need anything else. I didn’t need to develop any skills or talent to get what I want. ‘It made me contemptuous. Of what value were the talents of people around me when I could get just as much or more without those talents? And since nobody else seemed to be able to achieve my level of beauty it gave me too high an opinion of myself and too low an opinion of everybody else. ‘It blocked my development of empathy. I couldn’t. I need to hobble out to my recliner or off to bed so I can wake up the rest of me. Man, it is hell to get old and fat! First things first, let me print out this list and see if I can think of any other items I need. Once I have this I may call Barbara again to see if there are some rules I have to follow.I finally made it to my recliner by holding on to the furniture and the walls enough so I could sit down. I also used my cane too. I just found it by the computer desk. It sure helped, I.
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